Boat Bites, getting to the boat
By: Nat Manning
I know that some of you are asking yourselves… “What are boat bites?”
Typical Boat Bite
Boat bites are painful, non critical, non debilitating minor injuries that occur on and around boats. Take note that I referred to them as injuries, not accidents. I have been studying this phenomenon and am somewhat convinced that the injuries are by design and not the result of accident, carelessness, or ineptness of the victim. While trying not to sound like a JFK, UFO, 911, or Faked Moon Landing conspirator, I believe that I have sound reason to suspect that boats and docks are created through a sinister and ingenious design for the particular purpose of hurting people, and more specifically… me. Lets examine some of these snares, carefully crafted to cause damage to my otherwise unmarred hide.
It starts upon arrival at the marine environment. The parking lot. While unloading all of the supplies and equipment (crap) that is desirable to take on your much anticipated adventure, we encounter the first of the obstacles designed to inflict the pain needed to put you in the proper frame of attitude. They are heavy, hard, concrete posts laid horizontal and nailed down to ensure that they have no give. They are falsely referred to as curbs and are billed as devices to prevent travel of vehicles into undesired areas. In reality, they are placed as a result of study and research in such a way that ensures that you will inadvertently kick and trip over them, scraping your bare knees on the rough asphalt, which by the way, is also part of the design.
Evil Dock Gate
The next obstacle you will encounter is the dock gate. Please do not be afraid. The dock gate is really not as dangerous as it appears. Yes, there are lots of sharp edges and chain link fence spikes, and various other snags incorporated into the design, but the gate really does not qualify as a “booby trap”. What generally happens at the gate is that you arrive with both arms and hands laden with (crap) and need to negotiate the gate “barrier” that requires you to manipulate a key and lock while in this configuration. This inevitably results in dropping the heaviest item you are carrying on your foot. As you struggle with the lock, eventually, everything you were carrying ends up on the ground around you. Now that your hands are free, you can easily unlock and swing the gate open and pick up your stuff (crap). In order to increase the difficulty level, the gate is equipped with a very powerful spring that is not really meant to close the gate, but to press against you very hard as you try to pick up your (crap). In short order, this aggravation creates the reaction of pushing the gate open with hard force, causing it to swing away from you, setting you free to try again to pick up your stuff. The spring mechanism is specially designed to allow the gate to swing open far enough and hang long enough for you to forget about it as you begin to gather your precious belongings (crap) from the ground, then build an incredible amount of speed and force as it swings back toward you in your vulnerable position. I don’t think it’s necessary to continue describing the trials associated with the gate.
Having cleared the parking lot and negotiated the gate, you are finally on the dock, limping, but not really bleeding all that much. Within ten feet of the gate, you begin encountering tricks that the dock has of it’s own. Docks are also often adorned with electrical cables and water hoses, use your imagination. The most prolific of these are toe-breakers are called cleats. These are low profile, winged, steel obstacles bolted stoutly to the dock and placed strategically where they are not only convenient for breaking ones toes, but also provide an excellent opportunity to trip and fall off the dock. This, by the way never happens at high tide when the fall to the water would only be three or four feet, but at low tide when you fall and fall and hit the water from a great height with the resultant additional calamity and greater difficulty of getting back out of the water. I would like to stress two points before leaving the subject of cleats. The first point is that boats utilize these cleats to secure themselves to the docks, although this is completely unnecessary as witnessed by a more than adequate number of pilings that they could tie to.
Oh crap… I don’t remember the second point as I have a newly arrived injury to tend to…
Part two in a few days… give me time to heal, I just got back on the boat.
Editors note: Subscribe to this site for the next update… over there ~ on the right ~ just do it already
Filed Under: Nat's slip
About the Author: Nat Manning is a retired law enforcement pilot and local legend with marine towing companies. His sailing skills are unsurpassed when it comes to handling a large boat while imbibing in his favorite rum beverage. Captain Manning is quickly becoming a local folk hero with his above average skills at scarring the hell out of unsuspecting local fish resting peacefully under his boat.
Just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading about your adventures. Keep up the writing. Henry