What the heck is going on with the world? I don’t seem to be able to keep anything on the boat anymore, well anything of value. I seem to have the unique ability to drop anything and everything of importance over the side. Any ideas?

Jim Dandy

S/V Seanile

Dear Jim,

You ability is far from unique. Believe me, we all have the same problem you do. Some time in a millennia from now an advanced civilization will excavate an ancient marina and wonder why we hid all of our valuables in the muck below our boats. The advanced archeologists will probably surmise that we had a real problem with pirates or looters or something like that, when in reality it is something quite simple.

Saltwater.

Yep, saltwater. You see, saltwater possess some very mystical qualities. We think of it as a common and very much understood resource on our planet when in fact it is quite different than what our scholars understand to date.

Saltwater has a special kind of unknown cosmic source it that is actually very much misunderstood. It’s not like the ordinary magnetism that attracts iron, in fact it tends to repel iron and particularly galvanized steel. Toss your 45 pound anchor over the bow and let the wind blow. The surface tension created by stiff breezes interacting with saltwater tends to energize the seawater thusly repelling anything made from iron or galvanized steel.

I once, during a heavy blow, saw my anchor floating past me downwind. It was being repelled to the point of almost weightlessness. I eventually caught up to it near the shore where the magnetic properties were in fact much less due to the decreased dept of the saltwater, which allowed my boat and the anchor, to finally stop near the shallow beach.

The magnetic properties are particularly strong with several other metals such as gold, silver, brass, bronze, and stainless steel. Try setting your brass keys on the deck next to an aluminum beer can. The keys will quite easily slip over the side guided by this unseen force while the empty beer can remains in place.

I was on top of the mast last week replacing my masthead light. I dropped the plastic lens cover to the Admiral standing below, with no problems as we had zero wind. I accidently dropped the stainless steel one of a kind bulb holder thingy from the inside a minute later. . Straight down… Not on your life.

This non-replaceable part began a gentle arc and in a matter of 54’ (mast height) had exceed the width of the beam by two feet exceeding the Admirals grasp over the side.

When I got down she immediately accused me of tossing this highly prized stainless steel part over the side to facilitate my request for a new LED masthead light.

I tried to explain to her about the magnetic properties of saltwater, which seemed to elude her to some degree, as I was getting ‘The Look’ again.

I once dropped a brass spacer ring on the cockpit floor. It bounced three times, up onto the cockpit combing, once on the deck and finally over the side. I’ve had stainless steel clevis pins roll up and over a fiddle, into the sink, and finally out the open thru hull drain.

The Admiral, still in disbelief, continued with the look. “Here, I’ll show you,” I said. I picked up one of her rings that she had taken off while cleaning a nice fat grouper. I held the ring at chest level and was going to drop it on the cabin sole.

This turned out to be one of those out of body experiences you’ve heard about. My inner core reverberated with an uneasy feeling that what I was doing was absolutely dangerous, but somehow I had no control, I couldn’t stop the chain of events already in motion. I was bent on concluding this poorly thought out experiment…

Anyhow, the bruising will eventually heal, the Admiral has her ring back, and it was in fact my watch that we lost. As she was grabbing for her ring the pin came out of my watch band which allowed the watch to hit the deck.

Not only was my point made, but every morning I can hear my waterproof dive watch producing a muffled signal to the fish that it’s time to get up. It went over the side in three bounces…

The magic of saltwater, what else can I say~

Ahoy,

Capt. Bilgeplug

I’ve been reading a lot lately about extensive problems with the onboard MSD, more commonly known as the ‘head’. With all the horror stories out there, we are now very concerned, if not actually afraid, of this necessary device. Is it a basic design flaw? Would it be safer for us to use a five gallon bucket with a Glad Forceflex trash bag full of kitty litter?

Somehow this does not seem like a very pleasant option, what’s the real story here?

Capt. Jonathon Privvy

S/V Thrones Stow

Dear Jonathon,

“Two heads are better than one,” is actually a term with nautical origins. Due to the unseen grand cosmic source which requires something mechanical on a sailboat must always malfunction and at generally at the worst time, repetitive systems have great advantages. Thereby, the manufactures of sailing vessels have added a second head to some vessels.

I have two heads on my boat, one port and one starboard. This fantastic design is so at least one heads saltwater thru-hull pick up will always be submerged, no matter what tack we are on. When my port side head fails, guess which tack I’m on… for days, go figure. Which ultimately leads us back to the cosmic anomaly of functionality, or lack thereof.

I have never, for more than 48 hours, had two functional heads at one time… ever~

Immediately after rebuilding the forward head I stupidly stood on deck with a cold beer and proclaimed success! Within 30 minutes a jellyfish decided to get sucked up the intake of the other head. (Had to get rid of the cold beer) Which leads to a short side story…

The MSD (Marine Sanitation Device) apparently converts urine and poo into an extremely toxic and highly caustic substance, not yet defined on the periodic table, when pumped through the head and into the briny deep. This illegal action requires a multitude of official punishments from numerous local, state, and federal authorities. Apparently when pumped through an MSD directly overboard, the ensuing destruction can be catastrophic to the environment. I offer the teal blue tropical waters of the Bahamas and Exumas as an example. No MSD pump outs for a hundred miles in most areas…

I once saw an FWC officer standing between twin 250hp outboards peeing in the water. As this is unpressurized via the marine head, the chemical elements are unaltered, and thereby rendered safe upon contact with saltwater. Also, the city recently (quite by accident) dumped several million gallons of untreated sewage directly into the bay. Not much of a problem as I believe it was unpressurized via an MSD, so no fines were incurred.

If you are the daring type and want to have some fun: The next time you see an onboard inspection about to happen, run below and set your ‘Y’ valve to discharge overboard and pour in a bottle of yellow food coloring. Give the head two pumps to get the bowl clean, but keep the food coloring in the discharge tube. When they drop a blue dye tab in your head and start pumping it comes out a vivid green…

Another fun thing to do is periodically remove your discharge hoses and take them up to the dock. The hoses, in time, collect deposits which harden inside the hose making the internal diameter smaller and smaller as the months go by.

Firmly grab one end of the hose and start swinging it like a baseball bat striking it against a dock piling. As you continue your swings the hardened material breaks up and at the same time slings out of the hose in a multitude of directions.

I’ve seen people fully dressed, while walking the dog, dive off the dock (with the dog) to avoid the scattergun outflow. You can actually clear an area the size of half a city block in less than 10 seconds of any living creature with this method. This of course does not garner any new friends… but it’s funny as all get out.

Anyhow, a friend of mine came up with a new solution to this tired old problem of cleaning out the hoses. He made a hose connection that attaches to the discharge hose at the joker valve (and it’s called that for a very good reason) and then to the fresh water hose on the dock.

He claims that simply turning the water hose on applies 20-30 psi of pressure on the discharge hose thereby forcing through any clogged TP or other material. He further reports that once the water is turned on the source of the block can be found by locating the growing bulge somewhere along the length of the sanitary discharge hose. A couple of whacks with a flashlight, hammer, hairdryer, or any other suitable object will generally free the obstruction. Of course this only works at the dock. To free the blockage while under way, he rigged a connection from the J-Valve on his SCUBA tank directly to the overboard discharge hose fitting. This would give him 3,000 psi of working pressure.

I would suggest not being within 4NM of his vessel when under way. After all, he enjoys spicy Mexican food and his heads clog regularly.

Ahoy

Captain Bilgeplug

I was working on my boat, doing the usual chores when summer vacation happened. I had to take the family to one of the overpriced theme parks that, sans the mouse hat, nobody will remember in six months. BTW, it cost a whole boat dollar just to get in! The entire time I’m walking around the park I’m envisioning my new bilge pump, new LED lights, and a new stereo system vanish faster then my tourist dollars at the gift shop.

Anyhow, when I got back to the boat at the beginning of the school season I found several parts on the galley counter. There was a small 12v electrical switch, two screws, a rubber O-ring, and a small tube of glue. The screws appear to be used, as is the switch.

I’ve turned on everything in the galley, all the lights and fans work. Everything seems to be in place and in working order.

Would you have any idea where these parts might go?

Thanks again,

Capt. Ted L. Surge

s/v Floats-a- lot

Dear Capt. Ted,

I too have been in your position, countless times as my boat and I grow older together. Most recently I found a couple of stainless steel bolts, lock washers, and a small roll pin on my work bench after a long absence. I too began a search for the purpose of the parts.

The difference with me was that I started to find more stuff that needing fixing while checking systems. The problem was, that what needed to be fixed, didn’t fit the parts I had on hand. This caused me to have to go back to the parts stores and nautical flea markets to buy more parts.

What often happens is that I frequently buy more parts than necessary, as you never know when you will need the extra parts. It is always possible that sometimes I forget to put the new spares away and they are simply unstocked fresh inventory lying on the workspace.

One of the things I did to combat this particular problem is to tag, tape, or somehow leave myself clues to where it goes or what the part does. I did this with a very specific small bent metal object. I taped it to the navigation panel on the starboard side. This way it would not get lost as it was very important, and needed to be replaced. 

This was about 4 years ago. I simply can’t bring myself to taking it down for I’m sure once I throw it away, I’ll remember what it was for and immediately need another one. Besides, I think the tape has fused to the panel and I’m kind of used to looking at it. We are old friends now.

My spare parts bin has morphed into several sections with jars, cans, and Tupperware full of curiosities that will one day come in quite handy. It is quite an assortment of odds and ends.

Their is one thing I would like to suggest that you could do with the switch, O-ring, and some small ball bearings if you have them on hand…

Every marina usually has a really nice power boat with a flybridge full of expensive electronics and technical parts. Toss the parts up onto the deck of the flybridge so they land near the helm.

The next time the owner shows up, grab a couple of your friends, some cold beer, and a couple of deck chairs. The show can become quite entertaining.

Ahoy,

Capt. Bilgeplug

Anybody need some Perkins 4-108 spare parts?

BTW:

The word BOAT is an acronym derived from~

Break Out Another Thousand, hence the word boat which = boat dollar, a common phrase among boaters.

As you are aware, we are all facing economic hardships and money is tight. We like to drop anchor and come ashore a couple of times a week for a nice meal (something other than fish) We have had to tighten up our budget a bit and are now looking for alternatives. We passed some cruisers the other day and they suggested we try seagull. Are they any good?

John Livingstone

s/v Fletcher Wind

The common seagull, to dine or not to dine...

Dear  John,

Interesting question, which reminds me of a story…

I was sailing solo one time from Bermuda making a straight shot to Anguilla. That’s a great course to navigate, just head due south and favor a little to the left. I missed once and landed in Tortola, which is an entirely different story.

Anyhow, I was becalmed about 300 miles north of the islands for a week. I hadn’t planned on staying at sea quite that long and my provisions were running a bit low. Like you, I was beginning to tire of fresh fish.

Well, as it happened on day, a sea gull had perched himself on my stern rail one afternoon. The more I stared at that bird the more it started to look like a chicken. The hallucinations were causing my mouth to water and my stomach to growl.

I won’t go into the specifics involved, but let’s just say that a spear gun may be a bit excessive for this task. (hey, I was hungry)

Well then, with a clean bird I head below and start the makings of a nice chicken stew. I took what leftover vegetables I had, which was half an onion, two limp carrots, one cup of dry beans, and a small can of mushroom pieces and stems.

I tossed everything into the pot with the bird and set it to simmer for a few hours. I spent the next three hours on deck cleaning up a scene that would keep the best TV CSI investigators confused. I don’t remember there being that much of a struggle, and I was never able to untangle the cord on the spear gun. I’ll just have to get another one, I suppose.

Anyhow, I went below to taste the bird. I got my bone knife out and cut a small chunk off. After about five minutes of chewing my jaw was starting to cramp. This bird would have to cook a bit longer. I remember my Grandma using an ad hoc pressure cooker of sorts once. She put a couple of bricks on the pot lid to speed up cooking. Not having any bricks handy, I used some stainless steel safety wire and secured the lid in place.

About a half hour later I was up on the bow splicing a jib sheet that had previously broken when I heard the loud pop. Running to the galley I discovered that the pot had literally blown its lid. The safety wire had held but split the lid right in the middle. The sea gull was lodged in the open portlight over the galley stove. The carrots, mushrooms, beans and onions had long since merged into a gooey greasy biomass which had coated  the underside of the companion way hatch cover.

“Should be done now!” I said to myself and proceeded to taste the cooked delicacy.

So then, two major lessons learned.

1. Spearguns are for fish.

2. Never safety wire cooking implements

On a more positive note, the companion way hatch has never leaked since, and if you cut cooked sea gull into 1/4″ strips you can use it to repack your cutlass bearing.

Ahoy,

Capt. Bilgeplug

I could sure use some advice. None of my friends in the marina are willing to get involved, or offer any advice.

You see, I don’t seem to get enough time hanging out at my boat. When I’m at home my wife keeps me hopping with a list of chores. Mow the lawn, paint the garage floor, bury the dead cat; the usual. I thought I bought the boat for a bit of rest and relaxation, but when we get to the marina, it’s just another long list of chores. Mop the deck, fix the lights, throw out the dead baitfish…

I’m starting to not like my boat, or the marina anymore. It just seems wrong somehow…

Can you help?

Jerry Kann

m/v ‘T-Back’

Dear Jerry,

First, I see that you have a powerboat by your signature, m/v (motor vessel). I do like the name, ‘T-Back’. Is she named after your wife? We like to publish photos here on the blog, so if you could send some along…

Now then, onto your dilemma. Motorboaters are a strange and odd bunch. Too much torque mixed with exhaust fumes I think. It’s not surprising you have to turn to a ‘blow-boater’ for advice. We have a section in my marina where the motorboats are sequestered. We do often find ourselves avoiding that side of the marina unless we are missing something.

It’s apparent that you need to spend some time at the marina with your boat alone to begin healing. It can be a delicate maneuver separating yourself from the Admiral without drawing suspicion. They have a keen eye for any kind of a con involving going to the boat without them. Therefore it is imperative that you get her to think it’s her idea to stay home while you go to the marina.

Grab a cordless drill, some bits, your tool bag, and snatch one of the pretty guest towels from the bathroom.

“Ummm, what do you think your doing with that towel?” she will ultimately ask.

“I have to fix the flangeulator in the bilges. Remember the noise you told me about the last time we were out?” Look very concerned at this point. “I need you to hold the rhumb line while I lube it with relative bearing grease. If you cover yourself with this towel you won’t get any grease on your shirt.”

“What??? I can’t get greasy, I just had my nails done.”

“It will come out with some MEK, just soak your nails in it, oh- and can I use that tupperware bowl?”

Success comes as she is yanking the towel out of your hand. “Not that towel you don’t, and you will have to find one of your play friends at the marina to get all greasy.”

“But honey, nobody there works for free, I’ll have to buy somebody some beer just to get them to help. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just have your nails done over?”

By now you should find yourself standing in the driveway with an old towel, beer money, and permission to be late. So, head for the boat, have a couple of cold beers, and take a nap while listening to some Buffett. The tide will have changed and you will once again be happy with your boat.

Ahoy,

Capt. Bilgeplug