The marina view from the Tiki Bar

While setting up my boat for the next few days of resting at anchor, I sent my small pirate flag up the starboard spreader. It was a simple skull and crossbones, very tasteful for an aging tired out pirate of the Gulf of Mexico.

Without hesitation, the skipper of the SNAP ONE  hoisted his pirate flag in response. Following procedures, his was up the flag halyard on the starboard spreader. I chuckled a bit as Nat’s pirate flag was quite intentionally one size bigger than mine.

I continued my chores on-board my boat and happened to run across another skull and crossbones in my flag locker. Interestingly enough, and by pure happenstance, it was a little larger than the one Nat hoisted. So, with prideful diligence, I ran that flag up the halyard.

Perhaps it was his dignity being questioned with a smaller less manly flag that boiled the blood of the challenged vessel. Maybe it was just Nat’s competitive nature bubbling forth. (He has never completely recovered from losing the great helicopter/airplane race to me some 15 years ago) Nevertheless, there he was, hoisting a larger flag up the main mast. Attempting to secure his short held victory, the code signal flags had come into use and his choice of words was not very pleasant…

The guilty party in action.

Sheree, without prompting, tossed my code signal flags up on deck demanding that we shall be victorious!

I had run up my best flags, called Nat colorful names in reply with the code flags, and had all my pirate flags flying proudly.

Alas, Nat managed to hoist several more, and larger, flags. I was being heckled across the bay. I could see his smug grin through my Nikon 12X50 binoculars.

I felt defeated. A grey cloud had formed over my boat…

Later that evening as Nat was rubbing his victory in my face was when Ellen (wife and boat Admiral) had told me how happy she was that I had ran out of flags.

“Why would you be happy I lost,” I queered.

“Nat was pulling off the bed sheet, he was going to draw a skull and crossbones on it and run it up the mast if you had any more flags left.” Ellen seemed relieved. “I didn’t want to sleep on a sheet-less bed tonight.”

So then, as with all things, time slipped by.

One day we had received a package in the mail from Nat and Ellen. Inside was plain white flag for me to signal my surrender with…

Enraged, Sheree was shaking the white flag at me. “You’re not going to fly this, are you?”

Nat's boat

Time once again passes. Work schedules, dates, places, UPS delivery, the planets… everything must be in correct alignment which would subsequently lead to my ultimate victory.

I tied up in Nat’s marina yesterday evening. We enjoyed several cocktails at the Tiki Bar knowing what would transpire in the morning. My loss would be turned into victory. Harrr me matey, harrr!

With Nat presently sailing aboard another vessel in the Bahamas, this flag would proudly fly for the next several weeks awaiting Nat’s return. Take a look at the top picture; double click it for a close up view. This is what everyone will get to look at from the Tiki Bar for the next few weeks. Nat’s happy pirate boat… he-he-he-he—

Colorful victory is smiling down at me…

The pirate scourge of Land's End Marina arrrrrrrg!

By: Nat Manning

Now that we arrive at the boat, the danger really begins. The deck of a sailboat is a virtual cornucopia of hazards that come in all colors and flavors. Hey, you remember “cleats”? Well, they are generally sprayed onto a sailboat and then bolted down where-ever they land. For fun, add some steel wires with barbs called “meat hooks”. Cotter pins, bolts, clamps, toe rails, and various sundry items are placed throughout for you to conveniently hurt yourself.

So far we have focused on doing damage to your knees and feet. It just wouldn’t be right to ignore the other important and equally sensitive areas of your body. Let’s take a minute to talk about fun with rope.

There is a lot of rope available on a sailboat for you to hurt yourself with. Sailors call this stuff “line” by the way. The key to hurting yourself with rope is for it to have a lot of force attached to one or both ends of it. The first technique is one that you can all practice. Take the rope (line) and hold it tightly in your hand as the load comes onto the other end. As the rope travels through your tightly clenched fist rapidly, temperatures will suddenly go from ambient to over thirteen thousand degrees. The smell of burning flesh should be enough, but you just have to look at the raw meat that used to be your palm. Imagine how much fun simple chores are going to be for the next week or so. There are other ways of having fun with rope, but require more finesse to accomplish. Step in a coil in the rope just before it comes under load and you get to travel to places aboard that you would otherwise never visit, like halfway up the mast. Sometimes injury can be accomplished more simply by pulling very hard on the rope when the load suddenly comes off the naughty strip of nylon braid. As you advance to more sophisticated methods of injuring yourself, try holding a rope as it enters a block or runs under the wing of a cleat!

Bimini tops and hard tops are strategically located for you to crack your head on, but to bring up a really nice knot, things called “booms” are readily available for your use in hurting yourself. They are heavy wood or aluminum horizontal posts that swing back and forth across the boat, teaching you that “duck” has nothing to do with a migratory water foul. This is a lesson that has to be learned at least once per day.

Going down into the cabins below, not every part of your body is sore or damaged yet. Not to worry, boat designers have thought of everything. The “ceilings” of the cabins are built slightly shorter than the average person. This causes you to bend your head slightly forward. This is a clever set up that casts your vision downward. With you looking downward, beams are placed at intervals along the ceiling close enough together to provide generous opportunity yet far enough apart to allow you to achieve maximum speed before knocking part of your scalp off.

Boat designers have finished all of this off with the strategic assistance of inertia. Down below, the motion of the vessel is not detectable visually. This results in the tendency to fall down with unexpected motions of the boat. Rather than just fall down, lots of counters, benches, table corners, etc have been provided to cause bruises in all the places that haven’t been already addressed. The next time you see a sailor look for the ‘boat bites’. Just because you don’t see them, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.

In conclusion, I would like to thank everyone who assisted me by injuring themselves on and around boats. I finish this scientific study as I nurse my bruises and scrapes from my last experience aboard.

Typical Boat Bite

Boat bites are painful, non critical, non debilitating minor injuries that occur on and around boats. Take note that I referred to them as injuries, not accidents. I have been studying this phenomenon and am somewhat convinced that the injuries are by design and not the result of accident, carelessness, or ineptness of the victim. While trying not to sound like a JFK, UFO, 911, or Faked Moon Landing conspirator, I believe that I have sound reason to suspect that boats and docks are created through a sinister and ingenious design for the particular purpose of hurting people, and more specifically… me. Lets examine some of these snares, carefully crafted to cause damage to my otherwise unmarred hide.
It starts upon arrival at the marine environment. The parking lot. While unloading all of the supplies and equipment (crap) that is desirable to take on your much anticipated adventure, we encounter the first of the obstacles designed to inflict the pain needed to put you in the proper frame of attitude. They are heavy, hard, concrete posts laid horizontal and nailed down to ensure that they have no give. They are falsely referred to as curbs and are billed as devices to prevent travel of vehicles into undesired areas. In reality, they are placed as a result of study and research in such a way that ensures that you will inadvertently kick and trip over them, scraping your bare knees on the rough asphalt, which by the way, is also part of the design.

Evil Dock Gate

The next obstacle you will encounter is the dock gate. Please do not be afraid. The dock gate is really not as dangerous as it appears. Yes, there are lots of sharp edges and chain link fence spikes, and various other snags incorporated into the design, but the gate really does not qualify as a “booby trap”. What generally happens at the gate is that you arrive with both arms and hands laden with (crap) and need to negotiate the gate “barrier” that requires you to manipulate a key and lock while in this configuration. This inevitably results in dropping the heaviest item you are carrying on your foot. As you struggle with the lock, eventually, everything you were carrying ends up on the ground around you. Now that your hands are free, you can easily unlock and swing the gate open and pick up your stuff (crap). In order to increase the difficulty level, the gate is equipped with a very powerful spring that is not really meant to close the gate, but to press against you very hard as you try to pick up your (crap). In short order, this aggravation creates the reaction of pushing the gate open with hard force, causing it to swing away from you, setting you free to try again to pick up your stuff. The spring mechanism is specially designed to allow the gate to swing open far enough and hang long enough for you to forget about it as you begin to gather your precious belongings (crap) from the ground, then build an incredible amount of speed and force as it swings back toward you in your vulnerable position. I don’t think it’s necessary to continue describing the trials associated with the gate.

Having cleared the parking lot and negotiated the gate, you are finally on the dock, limping, but not really bleeding all that much. Within ten feet of the gate, you begin encountering tricks that the dock has of it’s own. Docks are also often adorned with electrical cables and water hoses, use your imagination. The most prolific of these are toe-breakers are called cleats. These are low profile, winged, steel obstacles bolted stoutly to the dock and placed strategically where they are not only convenient for breaking ones toes, but also provide an excellent opportunity to trip and fall off the dock. This, by the way never happens at high tide when the fall to the water would only be three or four feet, but at low tide when you fall and fall and hit the water from a great height with the resultant additional calamity and greater difficulty of getting back out of the water. I would like to stress two points before leaving the subject of cleats. The first point is that boats utilize these cleats to secure themselves to the docks, although this is completely unnecessary as witnessed by a more than adequate number of pilings that they could tie to.
Oh crap… I don’t remember the second point as I have a newly arrived injury to tend to…
Part two in a few days… give me time to heal, I just got back on the boat.

Editors note: Subscribe to this site for the next update… over there ~ on the right ~ just do it already

I would like to welcome you to my blog, Southern Crosses, which just happens to be the name of my newly released novel. Southern Crosses was several years in the making, and was quite a project of mine. I wanted to take you on a sailing adventure along the western coast of present day Florida, one with a few twists and turns along the way.

For the reader familiar with the area, some locations will be easily recognized. It was my intent to give you a sense of reality while referencing known landmarks and local hot spots. The story itself is purely fictional, but very believable. I’ve taken my background as a Deputy Sheriff and live aboard sailor and transformed some bits and pieces of my experiences into an adventure novel.

I invite you to go along for a great story and then join me here on my new blog. I’ll be sharing some of my sailing stories and photos along the way combined with newsworthy events along the beaches.

Please feel free to let me know what you would like to see added to this blog, or even in my next novel.

Thanks for stopping by,

Larry

Key Largo dive