I don’t know how long, for months, a plan has been rattling around between the Captain of Velella and myself of roasting a leg of lamb.  After many conversations at the Tiki Bar and numerous ‘false starts’, we finally got serious and made the plans final and binding.  Not wanting to be involved in a conspiratorial faux pas of the marina, punishable by lashes of the tongue, as well as wanting the extra push of inspiration and motivation, we decided to enlist the help and guidance of Pirate King, Bill.  He volunteered to supply the rum and drink and wisely advised the mileage to be gained by inviting the wenches and added our relatively new pal, Martin to the entourage.

Now the wheels were in motion, much like a runaway train.  No more false starts.  Battle plans were drawn.  Logistics and support all worked out.  Today at 1500 zulu, 1100hrs, 11:00am, 6 bells in the morning watch, I crossed enemy lines, low crawled past the sentries, and made my rendezvous with Lenny who met me with his tank (Lincoln Towncar).  Off we headed for Publix like a stampeding herd of turtles.

It might be time to mention that Lenny is not a teeny little non-noticeable guy, being close to the same size as me.  We walked into Publix looking like two giant Ogres seeking human victims to feed upon.  Grabbing a grocery cart, we began our shopping spree, looking quite out of place performing such a domestic function that we drew lots of stares, but no comments from the normal dirt dwellers also haunting the aisles.  In short order we had gathered the makings for our feast.  The PETA people need to go ahead and log off now, for us, PETA stands for ‘People Eating Tasty Animals’.  The meat manager told us that we were purchasing two legs of lamb, but they looked suspiciously like dog.  No matter to us, we were salivating in anticipation as we left the supermarket.

Then it was back to the marina where Lenny began his masterful preparation of the feast and I assisted him with the pre-drinking phase of the operation.

Just when I thought that we might be in trouble, Bill showed up with a wagon and cooler full of drinks and ice, followed closely by Lenny’s wench Marietta, Bills wench Earlene, and Marty who couldn’t trick his wench into coming.  After hors d’oeuvre of little bourbon marinated hot dogs, cheese and crackers, and a salad, all prepared fresh from scratch by Lenny, we lit up the grill and watched while he created a gourmet feast of lamb, baked vegetables, and Lenny’s own garlic bread.  A better feed I cannot remember.

Without slighting Lenny’s culinary genius, what really made the night such a pleasure was the warm camaraderie of bright, entertaining friends with interesting and colorful stories to share.  As the ladies retired, and the rum flowed, the stories ranged on toward the midnight hour.

It was with regret that we succumb to the ravages of age, time, and alcohol while trudging the docks back to our own boats and empty bunks.  I for one am hoping that last night is an event that we will be able to repeat many times.  For now, fair winds and following seas.    Nat

Leg of Lamb?

By: Nat Manning

Now that we arrive at the boat, the danger really begins. The deck of a sailboat is a virtual cornucopia of hazards that come in all colors and flavors. Hey, you remember “cleats”? Well, they are generally sprayed onto a sailboat and then bolted down where-ever they land. For fun, add some steel wires with barbs called “meat hooks”. Cotter pins, bolts, clamps, toe rails, and various sundry items are placed throughout for you to conveniently hurt yourself.

So far we have focused on doing damage to your knees and feet. It just wouldn’t be right to ignore the other important and equally sensitive areas of your body. Let’s take a minute to talk about fun with rope.

There is a lot of rope available on a sailboat for you to hurt yourself with. Sailors call this stuff “line” by the way. The key to hurting yourself with rope is for it to have a lot of force attached to one or both ends of it. The first technique is one that you can all practice. Take the rope (line) and hold it tightly in your hand as the load comes onto the other end. As the rope travels through your tightly clenched fist rapidly, temperatures will suddenly go from ambient to over thirteen thousand degrees. The smell of burning flesh should be enough, but you just have to look at the raw meat that used to be your palm. Imagine how much fun simple chores are going to be for the next week or so. There are other ways of having fun with rope, but require more finesse to accomplish. Step in a coil in the rope just before it comes under load and you get to travel to places aboard that you would otherwise never visit, like halfway up the mast. Sometimes injury can be accomplished more simply by pulling very hard on the rope when the load suddenly comes off the naughty strip of nylon braid. As you advance to more sophisticated methods of injuring yourself, try holding a rope as it enters a block or runs under the wing of a cleat!

Bimini tops and hard tops are strategically located for you to crack your head on, but to bring up a really nice knot, things called “booms” are readily available for your use in hurting yourself. They are heavy wood or aluminum horizontal posts that swing back and forth across the boat, teaching you that “duck” has nothing to do with a migratory water foul. This is a lesson that has to be learned at least once per day.

Going down into the cabins below, not every part of your body is sore or damaged yet. Not to worry, boat designers have thought of everything. The “ceilings” of the cabins are built slightly shorter than the average person. This causes you to bend your head slightly forward. This is a clever set up that casts your vision downward. With you looking downward, beams are placed at intervals along the ceiling close enough together to provide generous opportunity yet far enough apart to allow you to achieve maximum speed before knocking part of your scalp off.

Boat designers have finished all of this off with the strategic assistance of inertia. Down below, the motion of the vessel is not detectable visually. This results in the tendency to fall down with unexpected motions of the boat. Rather than just fall down, lots of counters, benches, table corners, etc have been provided to cause bruises in all the places that haven’t been already addressed. The next time you see a sailor look for the ‘boat bites’. Just because you don’t see them, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.

In conclusion, I would like to thank everyone who assisted me by injuring themselves on and around boats. I finish this scientific study as I nurse my bruises and scrapes from my last experience aboard.