As you are aware, we are all facing economic hardships and money is tight. We like to drop anchor and come ashore a couple of times a week for a nice meal (something other than fish) We have had to tighten up our budget a bit and are now looking for alternatives. We passed some cruisers the other day and they suggested we try seagull. Are they any good?

John Livingstone

s/v Fletcher Wind

The common seagull, to dine or not to dine...

Dear  John,

Interesting question, which reminds me of a story…

I was sailing solo one time from Bermuda making a straight shot to Anguilla. That’s a great course to navigate, just head due south and favor a little to the left. I missed once and landed in Tortola, which is an entirely different story.

Anyhow, I was becalmed about 300 miles north of the islands for a week. I hadn’t planned on staying at sea quite that long and my provisions were running a bit low. Like you, I was beginning to tire of fresh fish.

Well, as it happened on day, a sea gull had perched himself on my stern rail one afternoon. The more I stared at that bird the more it started to look like a chicken. The hallucinations were causing my mouth to water and my stomach to growl.

I won’t go into the specifics involved, but let’s just say that a spear gun may be a bit excessive for this task. (hey, I was hungry)

Well then, with a clean bird I head below and start the makings of a nice chicken stew. I took what leftover vegetables I had, which was half an onion, two limp carrots, one cup of dry beans, and a small can of mushroom pieces and stems.

I tossed everything into the pot with the bird and set it to simmer for a few hours. I spent the next three hours on deck cleaning up a scene that would keep the best TV CSI investigators confused. I don’t remember there being that much of a struggle, and I was never able to untangle the cord on the spear gun. I’ll just have to get another one, I suppose.

Anyhow, I went below to taste the bird. I got my bone knife out and cut a small chunk off. After about five minutes of chewing my jaw was starting to cramp. This bird would have to cook a bit longer. I remember my Grandma using an ad hoc pressure cooker of sorts once. She put a couple of bricks on the pot lid to speed up cooking. Not having any bricks handy, I used some stainless steel safety wire and secured the lid in place.

About a half hour later I was up on the bow splicing a jib sheet that had previously broken when I heard the loud pop. Running to the galley I discovered that the pot had literally blown its lid. The safety wire had held but split the lid right in the middle. The sea gull was lodged in the open portlight over the galley stove. The carrots, mushrooms, beans and onions had long since merged into a gooey greasy biomass which had coated  the underside of the companion way hatch cover.

“Should be done now!” I said to myself and proceeded to taste the cooked delicacy.

So then, two major lessons learned.

1. Spearguns are for fish.

2. Never safety wire cooking implements

On a more positive note, the companion way hatch has never leaked since, and if you cut cooked sea gull into 1/4″ strips you can use it to repack your cutlass bearing.

Ahoy,

Capt. Bilgeplug

I could sure use some advice. None of my friends in the marina are willing to get involved, or offer any advice.

You see, I don’t seem to get enough time hanging out at my boat. When I’m at home my wife keeps me hopping with a list of chores. Mow the lawn, paint the garage floor, bury the dead cat; the usual. I thought I bought the boat for a bit of rest and relaxation, but when we get to the marina, it’s just another long list of chores. Mop the deck, fix the lights, throw out the dead baitfish…

I’m starting to not like my boat, or the marina anymore. It just seems wrong somehow…

Can you help?

Jerry Kann

m/v ‘T-Back’

Dear Jerry,

First, I see that you have a powerboat by your signature, m/v (motor vessel). I do like the name, ‘T-Back’. Is she named after your wife? We like to publish photos here on the blog, so if you could send some along…

Now then, onto your dilemma. Motorboaters are a strange and odd bunch. Too much torque mixed with exhaust fumes I think. It’s not surprising you have to turn to a ‘blow-boater’ for advice. We have a section in my marina where the motorboats are sequestered. We do often find ourselves avoiding that side of the marina unless we are missing something.

It’s apparent that you need to spend some time at the marina with your boat alone to begin healing. It can be a delicate maneuver separating yourself from the Admiral without drawing suspicion. They have a keen eye for any kind of a con involving going to the boat without them. Therefore it is imperative that you get her to think it’s her idea to stay home while you go to the marina.

Grab a cordless drill, some bits, your tool bag, and snatch one of the pretty guest towels from the bathroom.

“Ummm, what do you think your doing with that towel?” she will ultimately ask.

“I have to fix the flangeulator in the bilges. Remember the noise you told me about the last time we were out?” Look very concerned at this point. “I need you to hold the rhumb line while I lube it with relative bearing grease. If you cover yourself with this towel you won’t get any grease on your shirt.”

“What??? I can’t get greasy, I just had my nails done.”

“It will come out with some MEK, just soak your nails in it, oh- and can I use that tupperware bowl?”

Success comes as she is yanking the towel out of your hand. “Not that towel you don’t, and you will have to find one of your play friends at the marina to get all greasy.”

“But honey, nobody there works for free, I’ll have to buy somebody some beer just to get them to help. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just have your nails done over?”

By now you should find yourself standing in the driveway with an old towel, beer money, and permission to be late. So, head for the boat, have a couple of cold beers, and take a nap while listening to some Buffett. The tide will have changed and you will once again be happy with your boat.

Ahoy,

Capt. Bilgeplug